Discipline Without Being a Bad Guy
You know your children need discipline – kids actually crave rules and structure – but how do you guide their behavior without seeming like a “bad guy”? Here are some basic discipline principles that will help you successfully nurture and guide your children – and not feel like a total meanie.
1. Understand why discipline is important. Many parents feel "mean" when they have to lay down rules and then follow through with consequences – especially when children are protesting. It’s important to remember that no matter how much they cry, whine, and scream, your kids need discipline and rules. This guidance teaches them important principles, and helps them learn how to handle their emotions - and it shows your children that you love them.
2. Get a partner in crime. If only one parent takes on the responsibility of discipline, that parent is bound to feel like the bad guy. Make sure you are on the same page with your child’s mother. This also allows you to establish consistent rules for your kids, which is very important.
3. Always explain the discipline to your child. Discipline is meant to guide your child and to teach a lesson. It’s essential that you explain to your child why they have to sit in a time out or give up TV. It’s the lesson that you teach them through the discipline that is most important.
4. Follow with love. Never end with the discipline; always end with love and affirmation. Hug your child, show her affection, and let her know that you are disciplining her because you love her. Not only are you affirming her, you’re also setting a good example.
As a parent, it’s guaranteed that your children will tell you you’re mean or protest as you discipline them. Always keep in mind why it’s important to give them rules and guidance, and carry out any discipline in love.
Stop a tantrum: Give Your Kids a Choice
Sometimes, a simple "this or that" choice is the secret to keeping tempers and tantrums under control. By giving your kids choices on some things, you let them exercise the control they desire and minimize battles of wills which are so common once kids reach 2 and 3. Plus, you can more easily put your foot down for other, more substantial issues, like bedtime or bathtime. It's also a great way to guide your children to health decision-making skills they'll need later in life.
1. Make the decisions little. The point is not to let your child decide if he wants a bath or not. You see the mud caked in his hair; you know he needs a bath. Let him decide on smaller issues- his snack, which toy he plays with, which chore he works on, etc.
2. Give choices that you approve. Don't give the option of letting your kids choose between fast food and a healthy snack - you know they'll always choose the fast food (heck, so would we). Give them two options you equally approve - an apple or a banana, a movie or a board game, etc. But, don't be afraid to give the occasional treat (brownie, cookie, day in the park) as an option.
3. Give concrete options for little kids. "Do you want to eat your cookie before dinner or after dinner?" may not work with young kids who don't understand the value of delaying gratification. Give options like: Do you want an apple or a banana for a snack? Do you want to watch Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty? Elementary-aged kids will do better with now or later options.
4. Stand firm. Let your child know that those are the only two (or three) choices he has and don't budge. After a day of making choices, when your daughter decides she doesn't want to go to bed, firmly tell her that she made plenty of big girl choices today, so you get to decide when she goes to bed.
Teaching Your Kids Self-Control
Many studies show that kids who have the ability to delay gratification and control their impulses are more successful in life. In fact, a 1960s Stanford study that followed children for 18 years showed that children who were able to wait fifteen minutes to eat a marshmallow were more persistent, more self-disciplined, and more able to reach their goals. So, how do you teach your kids these qualities?
1. No means no. Be firm and consistent with your children. If you tell them they can't have a candy bar, don't let them have one, even if they throw a tantrum in a public place. They'll never be able to say no to themselves if they don't learn no from you.
2. Give them opportunities. Give your children opportunities to delay gratification and start when they're young. An allowance is a great opportunity to do this. Show your child that if they save their allowance, they'll be able to buy something they really want, or buy nice Christmas gifts for family members, as opposed to candy or food here and there. When your teen gets a job and has income, this is a perfect opportunity for you to guide them to make smart decisions and delay the gratification of spending their paycheck as soon as it comes.
3. Reward your child. When you child is able to wait or sits patiently, reward him! Remember, rewards don't have to be material. Rewards can be time spent together, like a special game of catch in the backyard or getting to choose which board game the family will play together.
4. Model. This is one of the great secrets to good parenting. Your kids pick up so much by watching you and listening to what you say. Show them - through your exercise and diet habits, through the way you spend money - the importance of self-control and passing on a small, good thing to wait for something bigger, and greater. Yes, easier said than done, we know. But, it will be good for you in the long run, too!
Guidance vs. Independence
You know your kids need boundaries, but you also want them to think independently and make good choices for themselves. Here are some strategies for building good decision making skills, while still giving kids the guidance and boundaries they need.
1. Get Their Opinion. When making decisions, get your child in on the process. Explain the situation, and then ask for his/her opinion. When you make your decision, explain your logic. Be sure to pull you children in on age-appropriate decisions. Let younger children help decide what family activity to do together, or what their new extra-curricular activity will be. Take your teenager with you when you buy your next car or make a big purchase.
2. Let Them Experience Consequences. If your daughter decides to severely procrastinate on a project, don't visit the teacher to plead for your child's case and up her grade. She needs to experience the consequence of a poor mark for her poor effort. If your son blows his allowance on candy, don't give him more money to spend.
3. Praise Good Decisions. Offer verbal praise for good decisions and let your child know that you are proud of him/her.
4. Face Fears Together. Go on a scary roller coaster together or try something new as a family. Talk to your child about what fear is and how you overcome some of your fears.
5. Don't Give Up! Don't let your child give up on a new hobby, interest, or sport right away. Yes, there comes a time when you may have to cut back or redirect your child's energy towards something else, but encourage your children to persevere, learn new skills, and develop a strong work ethic and motivation.
Find small decisions your child can make and guide them to a good solution. Then, as they get older, they'll be able to learn from past situations and seek your advice as they become more independent and make their own decisions.
New Dad Basics
We asked some of the new dads here at NFI for their advice. Check out how these dads are adjusting to their new role and get their advice for new dads:
Know That it is Normal to Have Fears. Most first-time parents will tell you that they do not feel ready for this new direction in their lives. And honestly, no one is ever 100% ready. But, you'll find that when you dive in and do the job, it won’t seem so difficult, and you’ll discover the joys of this great experience. (Pssst, mom may be feeling the same way, too!)
Get On-the-Job Training. Start immediately to be responsible for various aspects of caring for your baby – even if you’ve never done it before. Feed your baby with a bottle or get up at night and bring your baby to mom to feed. Other tasks you can easily handle are bathing your baby, changing diapers, rocking and soothing, and/or singing to your baby. These activities will not only help out your child's mother, but they will help you connect physically and emotionally with your child.
Ask Questions and Do Research. If you are worried about how to change a diaper or how to hold your child, don’t be afraid to ask! Take advantage of help available through your spouse, friends, family, doctors, nurses, other experienced dads, etc. Chances are, mom has read a lot in anticipation of the baby’s arrival. She’ll love to see you doing your homework as well!
Be a Team. Adjusting to life with a new baby in the house is rewarding. Look at it as an opportunity to grow closer with mom and to bond together as a family. The more you work as a team, the more you will be able to experience the precious little moments with your child. Not to mention, sharing the load might help with getting some extra sleep!
Enjoy the Moment. Time flies by when you have a child. Be sure to take every opportunity to cherish time spent with your baby. It is important to spend some time every day (apart from TV, Internet, work, outside commitments, etc…) with your baby.
Family Finance Makeover
If your family finances need a face lift, we’ve got some great tips and ideas to help you get your budget in order.
Get Your Priorities Straight. Before you budget a single dollar, determine what’s important to you and what your goals are. This is an essential first step; your spending should reflect your goals and priorities. Are you saving up for your child’s college education? Are you looking to grow your family? Dreaming of taking your family on a nice vacation? These desires and drives will help you direct your budget.
Analyze Your Current Income and Spending Habits. Look at your monthly household income and how much of it you are spending and saving each month, as well as what you are spending your money on. Many credit card companies send a yearly overview that breaks down how much you spent on entertainment, travel, food, and a variety of other categories and these overviews are a great reference.
Make a Budget – And Stick to It! Now that you’ve determined your goals and analyzed your income and habits, you can start making a budget. Be sure to allocate money to your retirement account (if you don’t have one, this is a great time to set one up!) as well as a high-yield savings account. Companies like Vanguard, Fidelity, and ING offer some great options.
To help you stick to your budget, reward yourself! Treat yourself to that gadget you’ve been wanting or start planning that dream vacation, but remember to stick to the budget. Having rewards set up will motivate you to keep to your budget.
Involve Your Kids In The Process. Budgeting is a great time to teach your children the value of saving and money management. The younger they are when they learn, the more time you’ll have to instill good habits that will help them successfully manage their finances as adults.
Making and sticking to your budget will take some determination and resolve, but the results are worth it.
teaching your kids about money: Instilling Financial "Cents" We've got some important principles to teach your kids, no matter what their age.
Get Their Priorities Straight. Teach them that relationships are more important than things, and that saving is important. When they do spend their money, help them to prioritize how they spend. Start teaching this lesson as soon as you can; allowances are a great way to do this.
Discourage (Most) Debt. Tell your kids if they can't afford it, they can't buy it. Some debt - like mortgages and educational loans - is okay, but help your kids avoid debt from buying clothes and fun nights out with friends.
Curb Credit Card Spending. Does your teen really need a credit card? If you do choose to get your adolescent some plastic, provide clear rules and boundaries. If they break the rules, their privileges will get taken away.
Bonus tip: Add your teen's name to your credit card. Even if you never give them an actual copy of the card, it will help build their credit history.
Save. Save. Save. As soon as your kids have any kind of income - be it a paycheck or an allowance - make it a rule for them to save a certain percent. Help them form this habit early.
Get Giving. Your kids are never too young to learn about the needs of those around them and the importance of generosity. Sponsor a child the same age as your own son/daughter. He/she will grow with your sponsored child and can give more money as they get older. Or, set a good example and give a gift to NFI in your child's name.
Your kids don't come naturally knowing how to spend money well. Teach them these principles early and you'll put them on the road to being responsible adults!
Reassuring Your Kids In Difficult Economic Times
Regardless of your financial situation, you may be feeling some stress, and, if you're not careful, your stress can morph into your family’s stress. Instead of being controlled by fear and passing that anxiety on to your kids (they can usually sense it), take the initiative and talk to your children about these economic times, and take the opportunity to pass on some financial advice they’ll be able to use down the road.
Talk to your kids. Be honest (though you don’t need to share personal financial information) about your situation. Ask your kids if they have questions or fears about all the rumors and news they hear. Ask them if they’ve seen the impact in their friends’ families.
Reassure them. Let them know that, regardless of financial upheaval, you love them and care for them and will do everything in your power to provide for them. Even during times of stress, communicate with words, actions, and time that they are what you value most in your life.
Put your advice into practice. Explain to them the purpose and use of a budget. Help them see that money must be earned before it is spent. Encourage your kids to complete chores around the house for extra spending money, or, if they’re old enough, help them find a part-time or summer job. Walk them through making smart purchasing decisions, as well as saving toward a future goal. Best of all, communicate that those are lessons they’ll have to apply later in life.
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Source: http://www.fatherhood.org/Page.aspx?pid=786
Accessed: Aug 23, 2010
